last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
