I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
