I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize