the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
