I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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