and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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