I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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