OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
