Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
