Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
