If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
