life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
