i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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