last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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