if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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