I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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