I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
