I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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