if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize