some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
