Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
