my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
