Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
