I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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