I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
