and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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