I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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