he puts the penis in happiness.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
