Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
