Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can't turn off my feet"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
