EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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