dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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