I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
