Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
