You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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