God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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