I can text with my tongue
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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