fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
