It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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