I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
