i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need a beard to bite.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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