sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
