Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
