I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
FUCK WHALES
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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