so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
