just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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