Me. At least after what I've been through.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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