sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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