My nipple is on Facebook.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
