I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
