You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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