i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
