just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
