just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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