Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
