I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dignity is for republicans.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
