I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
