I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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